A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the
exotica, he notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has
no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it
to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for
the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist
gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real
rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street.
This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the
herd of rats behind him had grown to thousands.
Concerned, even scared, he
ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as
he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and
were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha,"
said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No," said
the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Lawyer."
Something we can thank lawyers for? copper wire!
was discovered by two lawyers fighting over a penny
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter
asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer
thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person
on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and
after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well
, that`s fine, but it`s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The
Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There`s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless
person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded
back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel
gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let`s give
him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
HUNTING Lawyers...
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside
and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances,
or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep,
accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says, "Ah, you`re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports
to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After
a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says
with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey,
things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God
replies, "What??? You`ve got an engineer?
That`s a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No
way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."
God
says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn`t moved for more than half an hour.
Looking
out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards
him through
the line of stranded vehicles.
"Hey son, what`s the hold up?" the
guy asked.
"It`s some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He`s
lying in the middle of the road
and he`s doused himself with petrol and is threatening
to set fire to himself.
We`re taking up a collection for him. Would you like to
donate mister?"
"How much have you got so far?" the guy inquired.
"Oh,"
said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."
Q:
What`s the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you
when you die.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon
from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this
country inn. The last time he`d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper`s
daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase
up the stairs of
the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant
on her lap!
"Helen, why didn`t you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the
baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks
found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talkin` and talkin` and decided
it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than a lawyer."
An Elephant had just finished taking a dump in the jungle when a lion came
running up
and began to gobble it up...
the elephant said what on earth are
you doing?
The lion replied, "I just ate a lawyer and I want to get the
taste out of my mouth..."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him
what
he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy
real estate I bought? Well, it caught
fire, so here I am with the fire insurance
proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember
that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well,
the river overflowed, and here
I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee,"
he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at
the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they
would
each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,
"What was the name of the ship that
crashed into the iceberg? They just made
a movie about it." The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the
garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all
the odors that this guy
would bring with him, decided to make the question a
little harder: "How
many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash
man had just
seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may
enter."
St.
Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
