A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what
to
wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper. "Then
he
asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not
let
them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused,
the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and
requested some
resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the
rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding
night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your
neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear
your most
sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested:
"What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No
matter what you wear, you are going to get .... screwed."
* An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life -- at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
> Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for
>
the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed
> for his
old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a
> rescue ship.
>
>
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of
> the corner
of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most
> gorgeous woman he had
ever seen. She rowed up to him.
> In disbelief, he asked her: "Where
did you come from? How did you get here?"
>
> "I rowed from
the other side of the island," she said. "I landed
> here when my
cruise ship sank."
>
> "Amazing," he said, "I didn't
know anyone else had survived. How
> many of you are there? You were really
lucky to have a rowboat
> wash up with you."
>
> "It's
only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
>
>
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
>
> "Oh,
simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material
> that
I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree
> branches, I wove
the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
> stern came from a eucalyptus
tree."
>
> "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the
man. "You had no
> tools or hardware -- how did you manage?"
>
>
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of
>
the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial
> rock. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
> kiln, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for
> tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
But enough of
> that. Where do you live?"
>
> Sheepishly,
the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the
> beach the whole time.
>
>
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few
>
minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the
> man looked
onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him
> was a stone
walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
> and white.
>
>
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
> rope, the
man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
>
> As they walked into the house,
she said casually, "It's not much,
> but I call it home. Sit down, please;
would you like to have a drink?"
> "No, no, thank you,"
he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
>
>
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How
>
about a pina colada?"
>
> Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepted, and
> they sat down on her couch to talk.
>
>
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm
> going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to
> take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
> in the bathroom."
>
>
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.
> There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two
> shells honed to a hollow-ground
edge were fastened to its tip,
> inside a swivel mechanism.
>
>
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
>
>
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines
> -strategically
positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias.
> She beckoned for him to
sit down next to her.
>
> "Tell me," she began suggestively,
slithering closer to him,
> "We've been out here for a very long time.
You've been lonely.
> There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing
right now,
> something you've been longing for all these months? You know.
..."
>
> She stared into his eyes.
>
> He couldn't believe
what he was hearing: `You mean...,"
Many of the popular jokes about Bill Clinton involve Hillary. One has
the
Clintons driving along in Arkansas. Needing gas, they pull over.
Hillary excuses
herself to go to the ladies' room. After filling the
tank, Bill goes looking
for Hillary and is surprised to see her
talking animatedly with the gas station
attendant. Stunned, he watches
as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss
on each cheek.
"What was that all about?" Bill asks huffily when
she returns to the car.
"Oh," explains Hillary, "I went to high
school with that guy. In fact,
I even dated him at one time. We were catching
up on old times."
"Well," observes Bill, "I guess if
you had married him, you'd be pumping gas today!"
"Oh no, says
Hillary, "if I had married him, he'd be the president of the United States!"
