Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million". Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox,
he found a bill from the lawyer.
More lawyer jokes
As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan
that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth
He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer,
his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you
each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place
the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral,
each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I
have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good
churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of
the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another,
I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the
coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed
sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000
and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the
machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that
Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my
envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
I know a guy that is so cheap...
How cheap is he?
He breaks tooth picks in half to save money...
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
Ex-Gov. Jerry Brown walks into a bar with a frog on his head. He sits
down and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the frog on his head and
says, "What the hell happened to you?" The frog replies, "It all
started with a wart on my ass!"
One of the best-known Kennedy jokes involves an alleged dialogue between Pat
Nixon and Jackie Kennedy. Said Mrs. Nixon to Mrs. Kennedy on the eve
of the 1960 election, "I slept with the future president of the United States last night," to which Mrs. Kennedy responded, "That Jack'll do
anything for a vote." Incidentally, Abraham Lincoln told that joke
more than 100 years ago, referring to a local election in Illinois.
What's the difference between a jack-o'-lantern and
Dan Quayle's head? A light goes on in a jack-o'-lantern once a year.
Perhaps the defining Quayle joke has him entering a tattoo parlor. The
tattoo artist welcomes the vice president, and asks what he can do for
"I want a mark put on the front of my head, sort of like the one
Gorbachev has. Can you do it?"
"Uh, why yes," the tattoo artist replies. "But if you don't mind my
asking, why do you want it?"
Quayle explains that he recently visited with Gorbachev. "I told him
how much I admired him; his political savvy, his ability to bounce
back from adversity. So I asked him, straight out, 'How do you do it?'
"He told me," Quayle says, pointing to his head, "'You've got to have
something up here.'"